It sounds like there are many many committed marriages but seemingly to unwise and probably unloving spouses. You have slipped into being neutral around her, rather than being masculine and making her feel girly in your presence Inside, you may feel very masculine or confident, but she's not going to feel any desire to be affectionate if you don't use your masculinity to make her feel feminine (rather than neutral) in comparison to you. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. Must he provide her preferred amount of resources (which is much higher than he himself needs) while also accepting her preferred amount of sex (which is much lower than he himself needs) under the guise of equality? I brought this up in premarital counseling. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. Whatever the case, do your best and work with your wife to restore that spark in your marriage. If only you could want . What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. Anything less is slow sewer side. Help her through this transition andensure that she feels confident, no matter what changes her body has gone through. And the sex with my current partner is always strained because she doesnt show any real passion or desire to let go. Many claim that its women who become dis- So, your wife has told you that her ex didn't treat her that well, yet she chased him. When women say that theyre exhausted, men can often take it as a personal rejection without realizing that she woke up at 5 a.m. Another reason "my wife never initiates physical contact" may be due to hormonal changes. Each year for three years, she assured me she would seek help from a wholistic doctor, which never happened. He is absolutely wonderful father and husband. Once menopause hit her desire for sex evaporated. It is time to say, I am horny as hell, and I am tired of pretending I am not because I am over 50!. I must be cursed. ITS HIS POUTING and defeatist attitude! Same issue here. Your story is very very simular to mine. This is when a person is so sensitive to touch that they try to avoid being touched by another person because of the pain it causes them. Lets face it, as women age, many lose sex drive, along with experiencing a good number of other sexual problems. We love them. 9. We love each other but no sexual contact leads to a very frustrating relationship. Moving forward, the endless rejection led me to stop trying to initiate sex, because the repeated rejections is having an effect on my confidence and self esteem. I want to get divorced and he refuses to accept that our marriage just simply was never a Marriage. Youre right that its a huge, painful problem. I domt have to put up with that. I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. The first step is to communicate with your partner about what you think you might be lacking. Enjoy your life as my dear friend you only go around once. not someone to basically jerk off into. In case you have nothing to hide, work on communication exercises with your partner to be able to tell her that there is no need for trust issues. People get lazy and just expect sex to happen because theyre married. I do not understand why they got married in the first place!!! Feminism has a lot to answer for; there seems to be too many mismatched females being vocal, when this has been a male affliction to be saddled with an undersexed female. I figured this was my life, deal with it and shut up. Monica..give her satisfaction .. that is exactly what I would love to do for my wife of 30 years. Married 10 years!!!! If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. He had at least 9 different jobs, years of unemployment with me working overtime 12 hrs night shifts (RN here). If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. If your wife never initiates physical contact, it could be that horror of horrors you may be bad in bed. Its time to change your strategy. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? I appear to have some value to her as a friend, roommate, handyman, gardner, earner, companion, but not in any intimate way. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. I guess. Women are very conscious about their bodies in general. I think it is very selfish. Been there, done that. Thrown into menopause way too young. In other words, pressure makes for bad sex even when you actually end up having it, and all that pressure and bad sex might make your wife just lose interest in sex completely. If your penis does not work, attempt to fix it. Its easy to see why such discord will eventually manifest itself in the bedroom. But its not worth destroying something that you took years to build. The woman is doing two jobs, especially during the pandemic. I mention this so that you may not assume Im ugly or out of shape. I miss the sex, but I miss even more holding her in my arms snuggling with her just touching her maybe copping a feel she sexy. At 73, my 69 year old wife fits the descriptions you have provided to a T. Just replace you, the wife, with me, the husband. Should they swallow it just to make you feel good? The guy is obviously attracted to you and enjoys your company or why the 30 year dating? Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. I had a feeling he was going to leave me in no time and he later did this was After 3 years of marriage, my husband left me and never returned. You are so right, I should leave but feel guilty, leaving over sex. She has no interest in any positions other than missionary even though I love other positions. Demanding sex is not way to go, maybe we would like to hear her opinion. I am so tired of these therapists and all there lets support the one who doesnt want sex but dismiss the one who is still in love and desires romance more than anything with KEEP MASTURBATING I understand all the reasons she doesnt want sex except one, if she actually loves me wouldnt there be some effort? Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning, supportive of a partner struggling with mental health, it's OK to not want sex with your partner, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25855662/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5994393/. Remember what you felt, believed, and why. I need to feel cherished, looked at and touched in a non-sexual way THEN when I feel loved and safe, I want to please my man. What to about it: Learn how to make a woman have an orgasm and how to make sex better for women. 25 Romantic Things To Say To Your Husband, 12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic, 7 Ways To Get The Romance Back After Having A Baby, 10 Best-Selling Relationship Books Couples Can Read Together, How To Make Up For Forgetting Your Anniversary 8 Ways To Do It. But now living with you is not what she thought it would be and she closes shop on you. (You might want to share with her an excellent resource about responsive desire, Emily Nagoskis book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.). Would you like to see more questions and answers? I love her to death but cant stand to be around her anymore. It took many years and visits to a lot of therapists to find out why I couldnt perform sexually with my wife during our 30 year marriage. But. Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. Dianne. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? Im not really sure if you can put any one word to it. 2. You have made a commitment to one another to do more than go through the daily grind or process of pretending to have a mutual satisfying relationship when in fact, you are simply roommates! In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. Its not as rosy on our side of the fence, when you really look into it. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. She has her own retail business, which cash flows, but has hasnt turned a profit in the last 5 years. Sorry. I am very sexually frustrated and a different Danish upbringing with a healthy attitude. Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. When People Still Want Sex, but Not with Their Partners Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. I didnt either with my late husband Too much cheating etc. . Soon thereafter, she lost interest altogether and would reject me, citing we would schedule a weekend session which never occurred. Id like to hear how you feel. Read the first sentence again. He does not have ED or any similar issue, wont see a therapist or talk about this, and he becomes angry and defensive if I bring up sex or hug him or show any affection. She know eccatly what shes doing. Amen. We have been married 10 years and he has never touched me in an intimate way, or never had sex or even tried. Not the husband its always the mom. It's possible that you and your wife simply have different needs when it comes to sex. Why is it that Men are the ones left out in the cold Masturbating in the dark. Sex is a HUGE part of a marriage, are you kidding me? Hmmm. . Im 15 years younger than my husband. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and, Love Hormones Unraveling the Veracity of the Science of Love. Every time he gets mad he threatens to move out. Medication also he ls good to me but his hobby ls everything to him he jokes around with me we are like room For others that are on the borderline of this happening: Fix for this is just deal with it and do your own thing, or just leave. Only your wife herself can tell you the exact reason why she's not interested in having sex with you. * LEARN WHY DEFINING THESE VARIABLES IS IMPORTANT: For many men, wooing and life after wooing are two vastly different realities. // Replace PAGE_IDENTIFIER with your page's unique identifier variable She will sit in bed on her phone though. Im 59, wife 63 and the big M has hit her like you have said it did you. Where is their allegiance to you? Dang! My husband is 46 gringo! However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because shes having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. When we first met, we had sex 2X a day morning and night. He has type 1 diabetes and is impotent so I can understand the no sex, but no hugs or cuddles or anything? Withholding sex as punishment is hostile you deserve better. She continued to have sex for a while but that eventually ended and we havent had sex now in over 5 years. Your husband, not even talking to you must be so hard on your self esteem. Dont men throb? so that leaves to so totally frustrated angry resentful and I hate to say it but it is beginning to I think turn to I hate her. That being said, my wife and I married young. Says I dont turn him on Im to fat. It is more than frustrating it is emotionally and physically painful. My husband has showed be very no closen in for years. That was pretty much the end of a normal sex life, He had a horrific childhood, beatings, a suicidal mother (she cut her wrists in front of her children), infidelity on both sides. Some could be related to body image issues, prior sexual sin, or abuse. Want to know why? Nowadays due to the requirement of Adult Mens Sex Toys, different kind of online retailer store like Lovecubby available for a variety of high-quality sex toys for men & women that everyone can love. After chemo and radiation, they put her on hormone suppression drugs, which reduced her libido a lot. My wife and I have been a couple for 51 years (since 1971). Yeah Andrew me too. This causes them to shy away from physical intimacy. No amount of counseling or therapy etc etc will change this. And I am one of those. He is selfish, lazy and quite frankly a self absorbed narcissist. We had a fantastic time learning each other and how to do it together! If us men were all so lucky! Unfortunately a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and under went surgery that shut me don sexually (I couldnt even masturbate any more) This has killed all hope we had to try and have a sexually normal marriage. I find that unfathomable. Both 39 years oldI just suffer in silence. When your husband keeps getting fired and he sits on the computer all day and rarely does anything around the house but bitches and complains about this or that and he puts you down and calls you names. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. He wears it and with a little imagination it can work just like the real thing. She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. That old saying use or loose it.. We may as well sleep in separate beds at this point. The only difference is that if we separate I will not have the van!! Some older couples and married partners with physical disabilities make it work every day and have a satisfying relationship. My husband stopped 25 years ago when he couldnt get it up. So much hurt involved, and guilt. As far as foreplay goes, either I dont know how to do it or she doesnt like to be touched unless she is in the mood. My situation isnt as severe as many here. Hell go out and get what you can as long as its safe and mutually desired. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because its broken down and Im emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. She wont talk about it and claims she desires no intimacy. Sexual intimacy is kissing, hugging, touching, petting, laying baked, masturbating one another, oral sex and that look of intensity that tells you that you are desired. My 76 year old husband has not. I understand that some people accept this type of relationship and just crave a good friend and companion for the rest of their life. Both men and women lose sex drives some times, but with proper nutrition and exercise etc it can be reclaimed. Obviously, if a person is feeling low and theyre feeling depressed, theyre not going to want to interact with others, theyre going to want to isolate themselves.